Gir and the Holy Quest for the Cosmic Muffin
by DerpySlowpoke9779
Summary: This is just a silly little story while I take a break from my Poke mon story. I guess this is a test to make sure I can write characters correctly. Don't worry kids, I'll keep it short and sweet.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter I**

Zim tightened the last bolt on his latest scheme to enslave humanity. He wiped the sweat off his green brow as he admired his handywork.

"Yes, it's done! It's finally done!" Zim gave his creation a swift kick, "Ow! And, it's still standing! Finally, my glorious creation stands on its own!"

Zim laughed manically as his robot assistant, Gir, came running in holding a rubber moose, "Fly my moose! Fly!" Gir stopped his activity and stared up at his master's creation, "Ooh, what's that!"

"Behold Gir, the key to domination! I have constructed a ray to turn all those filthy, human, dirt-beasts into mindless slaves!" Zim giggled, "Now pay attention, Gir, your job is simple. All you have to do is jump into that little door and power the machine. One zap and we finally win! My tallest will be so pleased!"

Gir cocked his head, "What's that?"

Zim ignored the little robot and hopped into his chair, "Now then, my first target shall be that Dib boy. This ray shall turn his big, dumb head into a big, dumb head... without a brain!" Zim peered into the scope and placed the cross hairs over Dib's head, "Target set! Now, Gir, give me power!" Zim looked over at Gir who was staring vacantly at the machine, "I said, Gir, give me power!" Gir cocked his head, "That means get in the door," Gir fell on the floor with a clang, "Like this, Gir," Zim jumped into the door and was promptly electrocuted, "See? Nothing to it..."

Gir began squealing and rolling on the floor, "Whee! I'm rolling like a cow!"

The fried alien stomped towards his robot, "Will you just do what I say for once? Be silent!" Gir continued to roll, "Fine Gir, I see your little game. What can I get you to make you cooperate?"

Gir sat straight up, "Gimme a muffin!"

"What? We don't have any muffins!" Zim tried to reason.

"I want a muffin!" Gir screamed.

"Gir, muffins cost money!" Zim continued but Gir just screamed louder, "If I just give you this muffin you speak of, will you power the machine?"

"Yes," Gir replied, "Muffin, muffin, muffin, muffin."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter II**

Zim and Gir rode their way out of the lab through the trash can. As usual, Gir jumped off and started running all over the kitchen.

"Pay attention, Gir," Zim tried to grab the hyperactive robot's attention, "In order for you to obtain this muffin, we need the Earth currency. Now from what I've gathered, Earth currency always appears in the cushions of the couch. Quickly Gir, we must infiltrate the couch and plunder its spoils!"

"Yay! We're couch pirates!" Gir exclaimed.

Zim dug his way through the cushions of the couch, searching for loose change. After scouring the couch thoroughly, he emmerged triumphantly holding a few coins and other scraps he assumed were of monetary value. Gir then tore out of one of the couch cushions, wearing the stuffing like a beard and proclaiming, "I am the gopher king!"

Zim tried to count the money, but unfortunately he still knew very little about Earth currency, "I'll assume that I've gathered enough of this Earth money to buy the muffin you desire. Come, Gir, we go to the city!"

The two dawned their disguises and walked to the city. It wasn't long until Zim stumbled across a grungy building called _Super Happy Discount Bakery Place._ Zim tied his companion's leash to a fire hydrant to ensure that he didn't run off. Zim entered the greasy looking establishment tenitively and stared up at a large, bald man with lazy eyes, an apron, and a white paper hat at the register.

"Good afternoon, pastry dealer," Zim greeted in an overly-exuberant way, "I wish to purchase one of your delicious Earth muffins!"

"That'll be two dollars plus tax," the man snorted.

"What? Two dollars for one muffin?" Zim exclaimed outraged, "Surely you joke!"

"Look kid, I don't make the rules here, I just work here for twelve hours a day to provide food to a woman who doesn't love me and a child I barely know," he grunted.

"Fool!" Zim jumped on the man and grabbed him by the collar, "How dare you try to swindle Zim? You shall suffer for this greatly, pastry fiend!"

The man was undaunted, "Look kid, are you going to buy a muffin or not?"

Zim would have liked nothing more than to leave, but could not risk to jeapordize his plan, "You drive a hard bargain, muffin beast!"

The compiled coins barely amounted to the total necessary, but he managed to purchase a somewhat stale bannana muffin. Outside, Gir was busy running around the fire hydrant, twisting and untwisting his leash.

Zim pulled the muffin out of the bag and showed it to his servant, "There, I am now in posession of a muffin, Gir. You may have it once we get home." Zim untied the leash just as the delivery van for the _Muffiny Muffin Factory_ whizzed by. Gir's eyes widened in wonder as he became infatuated with the giant muffin adorning the top of it.

"Muffin!" he shouted as he darted after the van. The robot dashed off so fast that the leash escaped Zim's grip.

"Gir, get back here right now!" Zim shouted as he ran after Gir.

"Come back muffin! I love you!" Gir exclaimed as he ran after it.

As the spectacle unfolded, two watchful eyes observed from the distance. Those eyes belonged to none other than Zim's mortal foe, Dib.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter III**

Upon seeing his otherworldly rival, Dib frantically elbowed his younger sister, Gaz, who was immersed in a videogame on her Game Slave Two.

"Gaz look, it's Zim! Come on, we have to follow him!" Dib urged.

"Why?" Gaz grumbled, not bothering to look up from her game.

"I don't know yet, but I know he's up to something! For the fate of mankind, we have to stop whatever he's doing before he starts doing it!" Dib tried to reason.

"And how do you know he's up to something? He could just be taking a walk," Gaz continued playing her game.

"Zim never just takes a walk! He's plotting something! Did you hear that little drone?" Dib continued, "It was saying something about a muffin."

Gaz looked up at her brother briefly with an annoyed expression, "That probably means he wants a muffin."

"There's something more to it, I know it!" Dib pondered, "The muffin must mean... the _Muffiny Muffin Factory_! They're going to use the giant muffin on top of the factory as a beacon to signal the armada! That's it, we've gotta go to the factory! We've got no time to lose; the fate of humanity rests on our shoulders!"

"You do whatever wierd thing you want, Dib. I'm trying to beat the final werepig boss and I'm on my last life. If I die, I have to start the level all over again, and if that happens," Gaz's face contorted into her death glare, "you will pay!"

"Fine then, be that way, but I'm getting all the credit when I save mankind," Dib replied.

"Go away, Dib!" Gaz growled.

"I'm going, I'm going!" Dib took off running but then stopped, "But first, I'll need some heavier artillery." Dib turned the other way and ran for home.

It was one of those rare days where Professor Membrane was working at home. He was busy making modifications to super-toast to make mega-super-toast. He was so wrapped up in his work that he almost didn't hear his son come home.

"Dad, Zim's planning to destroy humanity again, can I have the keys to the giant, flying robot?" Dib asked frantically.

"Alright, son, here you go," Professor Membrane tossed the keys to Dib, only half listening to him, "now remember to be very careful with it. If an orange light starts flashing, then hope it doesn't explode. That thing is radioactively powered; it could spell a nuclear fallout if it explodes. Oh and don't forget your seatbelt."

"Thanks Dad! Gotta go! Bye!" Dib ran out to the garage.

Gir chased the van all the way to an enormous, ominous looking factory with a giant muffin on its roof. Gir stared at that muffin with wonder and infatuation.

"My muffin," Gir said awed, "I love you." Gir used his rockets to blast off to the rooftop.

Just as Gir landed, Zim caught up to him wheezing and panting, "Gir... Gir, where did you go?"

"Let's be best friends, muffin!" Gir screeched as he began hugging the giant, concrete muffin.

Zim ran up to the building and shouted, "Gir! Get down here this instant! We have to complete the mission!" But, of course, Gir didn't pay him any mind.

Zim used the spider legs in the pack on his back to scale the walls. As he began his ascent, he noticed a flying object blasting towards him. As it got closer, Zim realized that it was a giant robot and the pilot was Dib.

"Not so fast, Zim!" Dib said through the speaker, "I know what you're doing, so you better stop now!"

"You know nothing, Dib monkey!" Zim retorted, "I'm merely retrieving my dog-beast!"

"Don't try to fool me," Dib aimed the laser cannon at Zim, "I know you're going to use that muffin as a beacon to summon the armada!"

"Armada?" Zim cocked an eyebrow, "I'm not summoning the armada! You speak nonsense, Dib boy!"

Dib shot a small laser at Zim who promply dodged it by jumping upward. He hurried on his spider legs up the smoke-stained building with doggie bag in hand to lure his robot servant from the giant, concrete muffin.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter IV**

The fight escilated the higer up the two rivals got, but even in the midst of all the lasers and explosions, Gir was blissfully oblivious. He was dancing all around the giant muffin singing a gleeful little tune. He stopped suddenly when he saw a shadow forming over him. He looked up and saw his somewhat fried and frustrated master.

"Hi!" he squealed.

"Gir, this is serious, we need to get down now," Zim commanded.

"Yes, my master," Gir saluted before his personality overrided the command, "but the muffin needs me. The muffin is my friend."

"Look at this Gir," Zim pulled the muffin out of the doggie bag, "feast your eyes upon this glorious, cosmic muffin. This is the muffin you so desire, for it is a muffin you can consume."

Just as Gir was about to take the muffin, Dib came flying up powering the giant laser, "It's all over now, Zim. Your plans are foiled!" Dib blasted the laser, but Zim jumped out of the way with Gir just in time. The laser, missing the intended target, blew the giant muffin up instead, scattering bits of debris everywhere.

One piece even fell right next to where Gaz was standing. In order to avoid the collision, she jumped out of the way, not having enough time to pause her game. When she looked down at the screen of her Game Slave Two, she saw the animation of the werepig eating her avatar before the words "Game Over" flashed in red. Gaz gritted her teeth as she snarled under her breath, "He must pay!"

Zim had had a less than graceful descent to the ground. He had crashed through multiple tree branches before face planting to the ground. Zim rose shakily from the ground, spitting out a mouthful of dirt and muttering, "Stupid Earth trees and dirty Earth dirt! Once I dominate the humans, I shall have my revenge!"

As if to add insult to injury, Dib gracefully landed the robot and did a flip out of the cockpit, "Hah! So much for your plans huh, Zim? Looks like another victory for the human race!"

"What plans? You didn't foil any plans," Zim replied.

"But weren't you going to use that muffin as a beacon for the armada?" Dib asked pointing to the empty space where the giant muffin used to be.

Zim regained his composure, "You think of me too lightly little Dib-human! I would never plan something so predictable because the greatest invaders must be unpredictable!"

"So does that mean you weren't planning anything today?" Dib asked.

"Oh I wouldn't say that," Zim grinned menacingly, "It's true that this has been a strange little detour for me, but that's all it is, a detour. I wouldn't worry your smelly, little, human brain about it Dib... while you still have it, that is."

Dib narrowed his eyes, "You don't have the guts."

"You're right Dib, I don't. I have a squeedily spootch!" Zim cackled manically, "Wow, I have to write that one down when I get home. I usually don't think of those until later."

"You're not getting away with this, Zim!" Dib threatened, "I know your plans now, and I'll be sure to stop them!"

"You may know my plans, but I have a rocket propulsed dog," Zim turned to Gir, "Take us back to base, Gir!"

Gir didn't hear him. He was gazing up mournfully to where the muffin once stood. Gir dropped to his knees and began a high-pitched sob, "Why my muffin? Why?"

"Gir, that muffin was made from solid concrete. It was nothing more than a stupid rock," Zim tried to persuade, but Gir was too distraught to listen. He began screaming at the top of his lungs as the tears leaked through the dog costume.

Just as Gir was at his worst, Gaz entered the scene to get revenge for her game. Dib, of course, was none the wiser, "Gaz! It's a good thing you're here! Listen, you've got to keep Zim incapacitated while I infiltrate his lair!"

Gaz gave Dib her usual death glare before approaching the screaming Gir. She picked up the bannana muffin (it was too stale to be crushed by the fall) and presented it to Gir. Gir stopped crying and took the muffin from her hand, "I love you," Gir swallowed the muffin whole, "Feel the love in my tummy, muffin! Mmm-mmm-mmm!"

"Okay, can we go back to the base now?" Zim asked impatiently. Gir didn't answer, he just grabbed Zim and blasted off for home.

"Gaz, what are you doing? You let him get away! How could you betray the human race like that?" Dib demanded.

Gaz shoved the Game Slave Two in Dib's face revealing the flashing "Game Over" screen, "I told you that I was on my last life. Now, I have to start the level all over again and," Gaz shot Dib another death glare, "you must pay!"

"Hey!" one of the bakers shouted angrily, "Who destroyed the giant muffin?" Gaz pointed at Dib. "Get him!" the mob of bakers began to close in on Dib.

"Wait, please, you don't know what you're doing!" Dib pleaded with the angry mob, "The entire human race is in danger here!"

"Tell it to the judge, kid," a baker growled.

"NO!" Dib screamed as the bakers surrounded him.

Zim and Gir had removed their costumes and returned to base. Even though he had been burned, scratched, and bruised, Zim felt triumphant as he marched to his machine.

"Okay Gir, now that you've had your muffin, will you power the machine?" Zim requested.

Gir didn't hear him. His eyes were fixed on one of many television screens in the lab. He was fixated on a commercial for _Krazy Taco_. "Tacos," Gir drawled as he stared longingly at the screen.

In frustration, Zim started kicking the machine harder than ever. He didn't care how much it hurt his foot, he was enraged. However, these kicks proved to be too much for the machine and the whole thing came crumbling down around him as he screamed. Zim had once again foiled his own plans, leaving the human race safe... for now.


End file.
